It has been over two years since my last blog post.  There were events happening in my life that took precedent.  Since writing I have had many ask me why I stopped and if I would write again.  I won’t go into great detail about why I stopped but I will focus on why I am writing again.

Sometimes in life you find yourself at the crossroads of something you don’t want to go through.  But you have a choice to remain where you are or step forward.  In October of 2021, I posted the following thoughts to my Facebook account.

While moving into my new home I found an old sketch pad where I wrote the following.

“Maybe the only thing wrong with us comes from a place not hidden by design.  We were not made to be withholding, we learn it.  As a child, we latched on to others.  Our thoughts, and emotions, running free from tiny mouths.  Now, we invent ways to communicate.  Yet despite our efforts, we have become even more alone, and further out of touch.  We have replaced our minds with instant readiness, and spontaneous answers.  This carelessness becomes an insult to humankind by reducing us to the grunts and groans of wilderness.  Are we not noble creatures able to express ourselves?  Then why do we trade ourselves for falsehoods produced by an estimated demand?  Although uncomfortable at first, make a bridge to yourself, be inviting and the loss of connection will be restored.”

The first was written shortly after my uncle passed away from complications of COVID.  I had already received a blow a few months prior when my then-spouse of 22 years said she wanted a divorce.  My uncle passing away at this time increased the hardship that had to be endured.  Not only was I losing my spouse but now my uncle who had asked me to handle his final affairs.  I now had two things to grieve at the same time and additional responsibilities.  Fast forward a few months and my father is diagnosed with Leukemia.   They say it comes in threes.  It was at that time I sought personal counseling; the burden was just too great to handle alone.  Albeit, it was one I had to endure.  I can say I did the best I could in dealing with anger, and depression, feeling utterly defeated coming home from work, driving long hours to Oregon, or getting calls at all times of the day from my uncle’s Creditors.  It wasn’t fun and I was judged not only by my Ex but by my daughter.  I no longer trusted confiding in the Ex and did not want to burden my daughter with my woes. This resulted in me spending a lot of time in the spare bedroom where I ended up living and eventually moving out.

The second writing was put to paper in my one and only year of Graduate School in Arizona.  What struck me at the time was how we so easily would ask someone how they were doing when what we were expecting only to get a “good” in return.  I saw people get annoyed when the responder actually told the truth, good or bad, with a response being longer than one or two words.   Sometimes, I was that responder and I could see the questioner wanting to withdraw. 

As a way of being “polite”, we learned to ask a question like this but not with much sincerity in actually finding out the answer.  It has become sort of a standard greeting but there is really no investment in the other person.  It seemed like a loss of real connection.  We have come up with some clever responses though like, “I can’t complain” or “I could be worse” and so on.  As kids, we typically weren’t that way.  We would freely play with other kids and share ideas or dreams with anyone who asked.  The school of hard knocks taught us not to be so free.  Wearing your heart on your sleeve only got you a broken heart by those who didn’t see its beauty.

In working with my counselor, the one thing I have focused the most on is me.  That may sound redundant, “yeah dude, that is what counseling is for”, but you might be surprised to know that some go to only validate themselves or get paid professional reinforcement that everything was their Ex’s fault but never work on their issues.  But focusing on myself is where I can affect the most change for the good.  Unless your Ex agrees to go to counseling with you, you are only guessing what their motivations were and you get nowhere with personal growth.  While I can acknowledge her patterns of behavior, I cannot change what was past or how my Ex acted or acts today.  I cannot control what she may or may not have said to family or friends.  What I can say is this, these events forced me to open myself up to examination.  I had to learn my own patterns of behavior good and bad.

At some point in any relationship or even with yourself you know things are out of balance or off center.  A thunderstorm is nature’s way of balancing two pressure systems.  Storms seem to come together over our heads and disappear hours later.  Some of the most peaceful moments of my childhood were after a good rain.  Balance is important to us all and each of us will have time in our lives when we will struggle to keep it.

Soldiers are put through Basic Training in order to induce stress.  Special Operations Groups put their team members through tremendous physical and mental challenges.  The reason why is simple, to be proficient operators at base levels of human capacity.  Reacting to situations, not thinking just doing.  Each training session is an opportunity to push yourself past your own personal breaking point.  And each time you do that you build memory, endurance, and strength.  You reach a new breaking point and the true warrior keeps pushing those barriers.  Professional athletes do the same.  Mental strength is not significantly different than physical in this regard.

Similarly, good counselors can be the basic training your soul needs to reconnect, especially if you have been in an out-of-balance relationship.  Remember, the purpose of a relationship is to make each other’s lives better together than apart.  It requires equal reciprocal effort by both parties.  There will be times when that balance is not equal but it should not stay in that state for too long.  If stagnation occurs long-term problems will arise.

I consider myself lucky.  Not that my marriage ended in divorce, my uncle passed away, or that my dad has leukemia but lucky that I had opened myself up to the possibility of connection with some wonderful people.  I took a chance, I needed affirmation, and personal connection, and sought understanding.  This past year I have found that I have some truly great friends who care deeply.  I have found a wonderful counselor who is open to talking about things on a religious and spiritual level.  While my heart still aches for more time with my daughter and what pain she must be going through, I am finally finding center again on a personal level.

All that said, I didn’t write this for myself.  I wrote this for anyone whose life is out of balance.  There is a condition known as Willful Disbelief.  We tell ourselves it isn’t so bad; it could be worse and so on.  We give others too much benefit of the doubt and no grace for ourselves.  We see the evidence right in front of our eyes yet we don’t believe it.  If you are in that type of situation, acknowledge it and move toward the center.  Chances are those in a relationship with you feel the imbalance as well but both of you are just saying, “I’m good”.  Not all relationships are salvageable, but many are if we can open up and find the connection.  If you feel all alone, get a good counselor, even religious clergy for that matter, if affording one is out of reach.  I can tell you no matter the circumstance, the outcome starts with stepping across that threshold.  No one is perfect, give yourself grace, and seek balance.  As a sinful Christian man, I remind myself of the words below daily.  You are worth every drop of His blood.

-L. Yarbrough, Bucks & Beers